How To Turn Wants Into Needs

This may sound counter everything everyone else says but I had some major thoughts going on the other evening. Why my life experience is my life experience.

Okay, so according to Byron Katie whatever I need I have and so whatever I have I need. This includes having little money/resources, outlets for creativity, limited friendships etc etc..

So for example if I said "I want more money" she would ask "is it true, do you want more money?" asking this question of myself the fact is I may want more money but in my current experience of life perpetuating feelings of lack, do I need more money? obviously not. If I did need more money I would have it, if I need less I have less.

Logically speaking many might say but thats crazy, if you want more money you also need more money, not true.

I look at the lack in my life, the wanting, desiring certain life experiences and things that more money will bring. Wanting more holidays, travel experiences, more clothes, new home, money to go play squash and badminton at the leisure centre, money for days out, activities, the cinema, theatre. Lots of things many people may take for granted I yearn for.

However, how long have I chosen to play this game? the 'wanting' not allowing or welcoming it into my life? a long, long time.

All of my life experience fill my deepest needs.

The deeper need is to perpetuate this drama. A part of me feels if I welcome in these wants, and make them into needs, will life be as full. Of course it will be, but my ego plays the game of not getting what I want, their is more of a need for that, and it appears stronger than the essence of my wants.

I have become aware this week of the interconnection of the puzzle pieces of my life lets take a look at them now:

• My relationship with Mike

We live together still, the need this fulfills is one of safety. What do I do to perpetuate the status quo here? I keep creating skin issues so I dont feel attractive to the opposite sex, extra weight on my body, other physical problems. I created the experience of financial lack so I am unable to go out and do other things with other people. We both feel obligated to not move forward until the other person moves forward. We tried to let this obligation go but neither of us seems able. So we have freeze framed our life together at this point.

• Friendships

I have this want to travel, to go out for days out, play with friends, visit new places, do lunch when its sunny, regular fun times together. I have friendships still to this day with lovely women yet they are all unavailable in some way. Be it through busyness, to other life activities, most of too busy to be spontaneous or have other responsibilities that makes them unable to go out and have fun together, girly outings etcetc.. I set it up this way. I am 100% responsibile because I welcome friendships, again, with unavailable people. It allows me to not do what my essence, my authentic self wants to do. It keeps me stuck in status quo with no where to go.

Interesting...

• My work life

I work for someone and I get to play a little with buying stock for retail, its not my shop, or my money, so while I want my own business, my own shop I have set up an experience that means I dont take the risks or move forward into my deepest desires, I take no responsibility for this its somebody elses business. My friendships with work colleagues outside work involve invitations for drinking expeditions and socialising which involve talking about things that dont really interest me. I dont like drinking and I set up feeling like an alien in the work place. An outsider.

How bloody depressing!

I could go on, but I wont.

This game of lack, game of holding myself back, I want to drop it now.

How do I choose to drop it?

Intellectually I can say I have decided to stop playing the game of lack. These are just words though, how do I experience this emotionally? and how do I turn my wants into needs so that I welcome them in?

I need answers now.

Christ and Peace

Im not a religious person more a spiritual person with an expansive view of the world. Today after a walk up a hill in the sunshine, feeling the cool air on my skin and smelling the warmth of the sun me and Mike were walking back from town and a lady and her friend came up to us both and said "Will you accept the peace of Christ?" she beamed a lovely light about her and had a lovely smile. I am all for welcoming in the love, whatever the form it takes so we smiled and thanked her.

Further along the path through the park by chance I glanced at a tree that someone had graffitied with large letters saying 'PEACE'

So thank you universal energy I welcome you in!

Breathe....

Okay so I forgot to breathe. I forgot to simply allow the feelings to come up and I fought them tooth and nail.

How am I now?

I cannot think of any word to describe it perhaps if I just leave you this space and breathe into it you can feel how I am now?














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A World Conspiring Against Me

The sun shines, the sky is blue, the birds sing, I have four days off work with nothing to do.



On Wednesday I pulled a muscle in my back and was in agony on Thursday (my day off) and I went to work Friday and it was okay, still had the pain but work was a distraction.



Im going to be bloody honest here I have sunk into a totally depressed state again. Suicidal thoughts, feelings, paranoia and utter lonelyness and despair. I depression I hate it. I hate life I hate it and the sun conspires against me.



Before depression the sun inspired me, uplifted and made me feel amazing. Now its like a dagger, f*** of sunlight !



I have several friends and I just feel like something in me has pushed them away, again. My inner state being reflected in my outer world. I need my friends right now, I need people, I need conversation, I need distraction, I need company I feel utterly lonely.




Again when I need friendship the most everyone is utterly busy with full lives. My life is not full my life is empty empty of everything.




I cannot see the light in the sun I just see that its sunny and I feel pain I feel numb. I feel heavy, heavy crud in my soul. I feel left behind, like life is leaving me behind. I feel pityful and sorry for myself, I feel like a victim I feel like an idiot.




I hate having little money, I hate it. I hate the law of attraction crap. I hate it. I hate that my resisting what is perpetuates this state, I hate it! I hate that I attract back pain, viral infections, free-time with no money to go and do anything but sit in my flat or walk along the canal.




Yes a walk along the canal may help me, yes it may. In my head it just feels like 'oh here we are again in Gloucester, nothing to do but hang out in Gloucester'. I dont drink so I cannot even numb my feelings out. I hate the new age, I hate that im so sensitive, I hate that I may be picking up on the consciousness of the world and all its pain, fear around the financial world.




A couple of months ago I was accepting my financial situation. Yes I was experiencing depression, but my finances I was accepting of. Now not so much.




The artists way opened up a hole so big I think this damn course should have support afterwards. While everyone creatively opened I emotionally opened and all that was me was emptied out and left for dead. Now im the one that feels dead.




My family dont know how I feel, they have no need to know how I feel. They wouldnt understand. I feel like a faliure. What does that mean? a 32 year old living in a mouldy flat which has slugs infesting it daily. Or living with a 72 year old man? or working in retail because I cant see a way to live my own dreams of having my own business. I hate it all I hate it all I hate it all.




Im writing this to the world because I have been writing it to myself on my laptop and now im just so upset and angry wit 'what is'. I try Byron Katies questions "is it true, can you be sure its true, what would you feel like if you didnt have this thought, turn it around" well Byron Katie my answer, I would feel great without the thought, turn it around life is well? yeah that sounds like fluffy shit that just is like pouring ice cream on top of dog crap.




I did the journey work by Brandon Bays, I did Emotrance, Hypnotherapy, cleansing, recently some weird auric thing with a guy which just made me ultra paranoid. I know I sound like a pityful pile of crap right now feeling sorry for myself, get the bloody violins out but I just cannot see a reason for life anymore.




And NO I will not suicide I havent got the guts and no I am not self harming physically only mentally in my own head.




And no and God lovers do not post back God loves me and can save me or I will shove your words where the sun does not shine.




And as for all the new age channelling bullshit out there, affirmations do not work in this state of mind! I have tried sitting with my feelings accepting my life how long do you think you could live on neutral?




Life flatlines. I want to feel joy in my life. I want to experience a worth to my life, I want to have a life! I am full of envy when I see people I know living! laughing! having fun! socialising! spending money ! buying new clothes! having holidays! its like a kick in the groin!




This is probably the most negative post I have ever written but its bloody well authentically me right now and if you dont like it dont read bloody read it!




P.S: Dont tell me to get counselling I cannot be assed to say all of this again to a counsellor!!!

PPS: Added since posting - I shared with my mum how I have been feeling it felt the right time and it feels better to know someone in my family knows.

Unfolding Part 11: Who Am I? A Journey Through Depression

11. I am an open book with unfilled pages who is Kelly?

and what does Kelly want for life?

So here I am.

The course ended in December, the 2nd last week of the course I recognised what an emotional journey The Artists Way was for me. While the other group members had outward changes, movements forward, manifested physical experiences, opportunities and things I had nothing outward to show.

It felt like I had gone through the course from within me, nothing really changed on the outside. I stopped painting after a while, nothing inherently creative had occurred, no major 'aha!' moments. I had expectations when I began the course that by the end I would be creative and on the path to my purpose, little was I to know I was to discover the inherant quality in being purposeless, empty, a painting in the making.

I increasingly became very dark in my moods, negative in my thinking, emotional, stressed, panicked and I initially did not recognise these feelings as the onslaught of depression, something I have had in the past but I did not know how much the emptyness would flood me, with a deep seriously dark depression.

Instead of writing here I wrote a lot on my laptop, it was for my private time, a way to express what I was feeling and while it helped it didnt alleviate the pain for very long. Mike told me one day he felt I had depression and I needed this confirmation to accept it. I had been thinking suicidal thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't follow through with but nonetheless seriously dark stuff.

Without the course and just my job in retail for filling time I had a period in January where I had booked 2 weeks holiday and it was during this time I allowed myself to sink deep into depression. I dont resist this now, I view it as a very valuable time and right now I am slowly moving through with the help of moving my body through gentle exercise (QI-GONG) and being more present.

So im here, not entirely upbeat, not entirely low down somewhere in between.

Im discovering very very slowly who am I?

After shelving so many things, jobs, roles over my life that formed an identity, a worth of who I was im left not wanting things to attach to and no longer want to form a false sense of self through outer things. I can't do this anymore. I tried and it does not work eventually it catches up on you and this is what I feel depression is. A journey to discover a new sense of self that comes from a more deeper place rooted in the present moment.

Unfolding Part 10 - Welcoming Friendships

10. I reconnected with 2 friends I let go of (more on this later).

Midway through the course I reached a place where I felt overwhelmed by life not giving me what I thought I wanted. The lovely facilitator Theresa Sansome recommended I take a step back and focus on going S L O W L Y in life and to learn to appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what I havent.

Intellectually I already knew this but when she said "appreciate the friendships you have" it was like a lock being unlocked. I had let go of two wonderful friends in the previous year because I had a definition of what friendship meant to me, I looked at what I could get out of the friendship not what I could give to it, I believed however mistaken I was that my friends did not value me because they did not want to spend much time with me and more.

While I was shocked to realised I needed to open my heart to them again, if they would have me, I also appreciate the time I spent on my own, practically without any friends apart from those at work and Mike who I live with.

This time away encouraged me to do the artists way course, encouraged me to spend time with me, to see what it is Kelly needs in life and to simply learn to befriend me.

So after this revelation on the course I walked slowly back into Stroud down the country road which I so enjoyed sauntering down and was awakened. I had not valued the love my friends gave me, I hadnt valued openness and the time they did have they valued a lot I lost touch with what it meant to be a friend because to be honest I have been on my own for so long without female friends it was often easier just to let go when things didnt work out.

So I cried that night, wrote to myself, wrote to both my friends I had let go of, I ate a lot of humble pie because it was my 'stuff' that severed ties in the first place and left it with the universe. They either would appreciate my honesty, ignore me, tell me to buggar off or welcome me back as a friend. Fortunately it was the latter and I am learning to enjoy their company when I can and value their friendship deeply.

This awakening was so huge I now have several wonderful female friends who are very supportive and I enjoy their company. For the first time in years I have a circle of loving friendships.

This is great!

Unfolding Part 9 - Shedding The Evil Headmistress

9. I have let go of 'The Evil Headmistress' from my past and stopped using her as an excuse to hold myself back.

When I was 7 I was told by the school headmistress I had embarrassed the whole school. We had to do a cultural talk for different countries. My country was Turkey I dressed in a belly dancing outfit and spoke about the country. We also had flowers we had to place in a specific place on the stage, we had rehearsed this prior to doing it. On the day my flower place was no longer there so after speaking I took my flowers back to my seat, used my judgement and made a choice. A little while after it had finished the head mistress called me into her room and told me what I had done (not placing the flowers on the stage) had embarrassed the whole school. Her name was Mrs Macdonald and she protected me from harm for 25 years.

How could this be? you may ask. Well I used to hate that woman. That woman was always the evil headmistress in my head. I chose many experiences, avoided many experiences to stop being a further embarrassment, to the world. Because lets face it when your 7 the whole school is the whole world. I had been holding onto the headmistress for 25 years, she was my excuse my reason to not do anything that was risky communication wise. But I did however try to be an extrovert when I was not one which in turn made me feel embarrassed by this.

Recently I had a long chat with a good friend for 4 hours and she said to me "are you ready to let the headmistress rest in peace?" This question shocked me. I stopped in my tracks and realised I had been holding onto her as an excuse not to live or move forward from this. I also had this massive heart opening. I suddenly realised she was my protector, she was not an evil headmistress. I felt this amazing compassion and love for her. I felt love my small child self that felt safe to have her there in place. And in that moment she was gone. I let her go.

Unfolding Part 8 - From Extrovert to Introvert

8. I recognised I have been a shy person all of my life yet have covered it in extrovert behaviour (more on this later).

As a child I was shy, spent a lot of time on my own, an only child I would spend countless hours in my own imagination playing in the garden with my toys. After an experience as a 7 year old with the headmistress I pushed myself all my life to be an extrovert. I felt in many ways I needed to prove myself to the world. I strived to protect myself from the 'perceived' embarrassment I had been told I had been. However, in many ways by trying to hide and avoid experiences I may feel embarrassed by I drew exactly those experiences and choices into my life. The law of attraction worked very well. I feared embarrassment so that fear allowed reasons and ways to be embarrassed.

Even my relationship with Mike (the large age gap) was an embarrassment so I could never truly be myself with anyone. I never realised I could be silent, be quiet and be as valued and appreciated. In fact I value myself more now as a result.

I now feel more balanced. I no longer need to show off or follow the herd of my peers that are extroverts I can now be myself, be extrovert naturally when it happens, be introvert more of the time. I no longer feel the need to share all of me, loudly, instead I keep many things sacred to me and it feels a beautiful place to be.

I also recognise shyness as beautiful, that small child within me that is shy is beautiful.

Unfolding Part 7 - Commitment Release

A few weeks into The Artists Way course I had this incredible stuck feeling and was writing writing and doing more writing. During one of the weeks we had a deprivation week. We were asked not to read, not watch TV, go online etc etc.. This was incredibly challenging to begin with. The first 2 days I felt like I was coming off drugs, lots of anger and then I realised it was okay so I wrote it all down. I also experienced amazing tiredness it is interesting how much I did not realise how I tired I was when filling my life with distractions like TV, going online and reading. Anyway I also opened and accepted that one thing holding me and Mike back was our commitment to one another. Crazily and perfectly unworkable he was holding himself back feeling he could only move forward once I have and I was thinking I can only move forward when he does. HA! shear craziness hence neither of us were allowing the new into our lives.

I felt very clear one day when he came home and I sat down with him and explained he needed to trust that if the new came into his life for him be it a woman, a job, a new home that he was to trust I would gift myself exactly what I needed at that time too. And I was to trust he would do the same.

So we relinquished our commitments to one another and it felt so freeing.

We also recognise we both want our own homes and will do when the timing is perfect. Furthermore I realised recently my inner child needs to take it slowly, baby steps and to not close to the possibility that the next baby step for both of us could be moving into a new home - together - again. But this time with seperate rooms and space. This is just a possibility, one of which I had shut out when I had first released my commitment to Michael. So sometimes when we crave change we swing so strongly we forget baby steps and nurturing needs to be of prime importance not simply making what could feel like a huge leap, which essentially can cause self sabotage if leaping from an unsolid place.

So thats what happened with my relationship with Michael this year.

Unfolding Part 6 - The Artist Way

Photo taken today nearby Gloucester Cathedral pure natural art!

See here for an introduction to this post http://kellymartinspeaks.blogspot.com/2008/11/unfolding.html

6. I am 8 weeks into a course called The Artists Way

(it ends the week before Christmas).

In September I joined a group of people to go through the book The Artist Way together. So ten individuals are doing this course for different reasons, mainly to unblock creativity, some to write again, paint again and other creative experiences. Me, I joined without a passion, I hadn't written in a long time, hadn't painted since I was 16 and basically my life felt passionless.

So this course has been a life changer. I wouldnt say a passion for art has come out of me (yet) but my life in general has had some huge changes. The major one was realising to move forward in my life me and Mike had to let go of our commitment to one another (discussed in a later post), I had to learn to appreciate what is in my life and most of all to understand it is okay to go slowly.

I have to say this again for myself s. l. o. w. l. y......

I have spent my life hurtling forward wanting the future to hurry up not appreciating what is, what has been and allowing myself the nurturing of baby steps.

This course I have found challenging, moreso the reflections being brought up within me from group members, welcome reflections, changing reflections.

Its tough to write about this course right now because it has been such a kalaidescope of emotions. I was terrorfied to do it in the first place, more scared about the changes it would bring in my life. I went through a period of happy happy joy joy joy! a creative unfolding through painting. I then mid way through the course have had heavy heavy stuff come up. Old creative blocks I have been holding onto for a long time (more will be said in a later post) and to accept that while others may know their talent their passion I am unfolding.

This course is not so much an art course, it is based on the work of Julia Cameron it is a 12 week course where each week you work through different issues to do with creativity and the blocks we have. How we hold ourselves back, stop ourselves shining. While others may find projects getting off the ground im finding its more about belief changes for me and general life changes.

Im in a space right now nearing the end of the course where I felt I gained more creatively speaking from week 1 to week 6 (20th November - added to below things have changed!). Now each week seems focused on goals and projects are which my main project is me and my goal is to unfold.

Last night I dreamt I was late for school (a reoccuring dream of mine where I ultimately discover I dont need to go as I have it all within me, no more learning in that sense). My first class was on planning and goals. I realise my irritation to having to list goals (old energy) came into my dream, I didnt get to the class in the dream, to be frank I did not want to go.

So this course is a changing time, yet also feels a bit topsy turvy where I am in it right now. Im finding it quite blah! where as earlier weeks felt quite invigorating.

I wonder if Julia Cameron has ever done any work with people who are yet to discover their true authentic passions?

Added on the 20th of November

Late last night just before bed I hit a low point. I realise I had been saying for such a long time "I dont know what my passions are!" "I dont know what my talents are!" I had an aha moment last night when I realised I have passions, they may not be acceptable in 'normal' society, as writing or art may be. I wont share these passions because I am still realising for such a long time I have repressed these passions, created new identities for myself so as not to think about these passions, because the other identities/Goals I created for myself were more acceptable more 'realistic' even painting and writing has become more realistic than these hidden passions, secret passions.

So out of shame comes a space for an opening.

Interesting! (Will be continued in later posts)

Unfolding Part 5 - Part-Time Work

See here for an introduction to this post http://kellymartinspeaks.blogspot.com/2008/11/unfolding.html

5. I went back part time at work.

In May this year the lady who was on maternity leave returned to work and I went back to working part time in the shop I work in. This was a hard experience for me. Me and my colleagues had worked so well as a team for 6 months with no hierarchy and things had to change. She was the manager so it reverted back to the way it was managed prior to my covering her maternity leave. As much as I had resisted working full time again in the first place after spending a year being self employed with my internet business I had settled in well, enjoyed the responsibilities I had, discovered how great I was at merchandising and the creative aspect of the job and had bonded well with the girls there.

When the change happened I was quite shell shocked for a while. I felt like I had been pushed out completely and it was like working in a job yet having resigned from the position. It was a very surreal experience. So from resisting working full time I spent a period of resisting no responsibilites and being back to a normal sale assistant. It was tough and it took me a long time to accept it.

However, accept it I did and having less responsibility has made me really want change in my life, going part time is what created inside me a desperate need to do something more in keeping with who I am in my life, which is why I started The Artists Way in September this year. While I am still discovering what my passions are it has been a turning point to me realising a lot of things. The part-time hours has also allowed me to spend time with me, quality time and given me opportunities to find out what I really value in my life.

So while this is a thing of impermanence and at some stage in my life things will change again in this area, for now I am appreciating all the time I have to discover who I am.

Unfolding Part 4 - Distractions

See here for an introduction to this post http://kellymartinspeaks.blogspot.com/2008/11/unfolding.html

4. I stopped posting on forums on the internet.

Holy crap, do you know I used to spend more time having a virtual life than living a life? if it wasn't with my previous online business, to chatting on IM's I spent most of my time posting messages on internet forums. This is not to say it is not a great hobbie to have, but leave it as a hobbie, an occasional interest. I did not however I got upset, I shared, I spent time thinking about it but actually living and going out and interacting with people outside the internet, no that was a rarity. Fortunately, shortly before beginning The Artists Way course I realised how message boards were no longer empowering me as a human being, the virtual world was no longer doing anything for me I had a bigger calling outside the box I am typing into now. And no I am not addicted to the net anymore. I even find time to do other things (smile!).

One of the weeks of my course we had was called deprivation week, we had to go without the internet, TV and reading for one whole week. That week taught me a lot about how I used my time. I had 2 days of that week where I felt like I was coming off drugs I had cold turkey symptoms, anger, irritation, heavy heavy feelings came up. So I wrote, I wrote and wrote more in a notebook. I then started painting again for the first time since I was 16 years old.

I am amazed at how many distractions we as humans create to stop us from experiencing our creative self.

So this was a biggy realisation for me this year and while I still watch TV I tend to turn it off when crap is on (which if im honest is 85 % of the time) and I go online when it feels like fun. When it feels like crap I go do something else, write, read, paint, whatever is more authentically me at the time, could even be sleeping.